mind fusion

i feel alone
i like this feeling sometimes.
but when i dont know where you are
what you are doing,
when an idea of you having fun
somewhere with someone
i feel like i m useless.
that is not i dont want you
to be happy
but i cant help
the pain of being so far
i love to love you
but i hate to be refused
like i did nothing confused
never had something wrong to you
but never had your hands
strickly holding mine through

i m missing you
and i have a fiery telling me
that you miss me too
i hope i wasnt me
and i hope i havent known you
but i know you
and it is me
and i love you
but you dont ..

writing what i had in my mind
nothing done to make it art
just a very silly mind emptying
i m so creepy i know
ok i stopped blog

RIP survivor.

Sometimes i think i m not really under any emotional pressure or impression. It seems that i have a so hard heart but it is not about that. i dont know why i cant get deep and strict releations with the people or objects like the others do. But i realised that i am like a piece of rock sometimes when i face some sad conditions. I am not saying for all sad conditions but i m very calm and reactionless over the unexpected conditions. Our bird survivor (a.k.a. the gush/nameless) has died today in my hands. he was shaking and couldnt get to use his legs. he only could a weak try to fly which he wasnt so good at but that was all. didnt wanna eat or drink some water. meanwhile he was very good in the morning and i dont know what happened but he was like he was paralised.

Anyways we were together for last 3 years and nearly i was always feeding him but that was all i never tried to get an emotion to him and i never did one of those jibirish talks to him. now he is dead and laying on the floor of his cage death i have no intense or lightly feeling about him. rest in peace survivor, this time you couldnt survive but u deserved this name afterall.

i hope i wont have this feeling over people too someday. I felt bad about feeling nothing after a lost and i bet this would be a heavier feeling if that wasnt a bird.

rest in peace survivor.

Gunebakan

Bir yolun kenarinda bir aycicegi varmis bir zamanlar. O aycicegi bir yolcudan gunesin guzelligini duymus. Oyle ovuyormus yolcu gunesi ki, isik sactigindan bitkileri buyuttugunden, insanlari ve dunyayi amansiz kis soguklarindan korudugundan , geceyi ve gunduzu belirlediginden , hayati duzene soktugundan ballandira ballandira anlatiyormus yanindakine. Ama aycicegi de dinliyormus belli etmeden. Yolcu uzaklasinca dusunmus, nerde olabilir ki bu gunes ?

Ne kadar da iyi, ne kadar da yuce birsey bu gunes demis ve dusundukce buyutmus icinde ve ona asik olmaya baslamis. Icinde gunesi bir kez dahi olsa gormek istegi oyle buyumus ki, gunes der baska birsey demez olmus. Ama onu hic gorememis etrafinda. Gunler gecmis boylece ve o gunesi beklemis durmus o yorelerden gecsin diye.

Bekledigi, aradigi, ugruna hayaller gordugu gunesin, aslinda her gun onu gordugunu dusunememis hic . Cunku oyle kurmus ki kafasinda gunesi , aslinda orda basinin hemen ustunde oldugunu anlayamamis. Her gun gozunun icne baktigini bilememis.

Neden sonra bir gun yine o yoldan gecen bir yolcu gunesi isaret ederek “su gunes e bak yahu yine yakti kavurdu bizi” demis. O anda anlamis o tepede paril paril duran seyin gunes oldugunu ve o gunden itibaren hep yuzunu ona cevirmis gun boyunca.

O gun bu gundur , gunebakan demisler aycicegine. Ayciceginin gunese askiymis aslinda onun hep gunese yuzunu cevirmesinin sirri.

Hikaye burda biter sanmis herkes ama o ask birgun gelmis o gunebakanin butun ozunu kurutmus, suyunu buharlastirmis ve oldurmus gunebakani. O olup giden gunebakanin anisina o gun bugun butun gunebakanlar gunese asik olmus imkansiz oldugunu bile bile ve hicbiri kavusamamis asik olduguna.

-Bitti-

Can Yucel

En yakası açılmadık küfürlerden en acılı ağıtlara; en afili sokak ağızlarından en yoğun sevda ve sevgi şiirlerine; cin gibi zeka pırıltılarından en yalın, en sade söyleyişlere kadar her şeye yer verir siirinde. Can yucel bahsettigim unlu sair bir cok kimse taniyacaktir bu tanimla onu zaten. Zamanin meshur milli egitim bakani Hasan Ali Yucel'in ogludur. Klasik floloji okumus ve aykiri dizeleri gibi aykiri bir hayat yasamistir. Datca'da yasamis ve orda hayata gozlerini yummustur. Bir kac siirinden ornekler yazmak istedim.. sanki beni anlatir gibi olanlarindan ozellikle...


Buluşmak Üzere
Diyelim yağmura tutuldun bir gün
Bardaktan boşanırcasına yağıyor mübarek
öbür yanda güneş kendi keyfinde
Ne de olsa yaz yağmuru
Pırıl pırıl düşüyor damlalar
Eteklerin uça uça bir koşudur kopardın
Dar attın kendini karşı evin sundurmasına
İşte o evin kapısında bulacaksın beni

.............

Değişik
başka türlü bir şey benim istediğim:
ne ağaca benzer, ne de buluta.
burası gibi değil gideceğim memleket
denizi ayrı deniz,
...

O kadar da yürek burkmazdı alışılmış bir ses,
hiçbir zaman duyulmasaydı eğer.

Daha çabuk unuturdu belki su sızdırmayan sarılmalar,
kara sevdayla sarıp sarmalanmasalardı eğer.

Belirsizliğe yelken açardı iri ela gözler zamanla,
öylesine delice bakmasalardı eğer.

ve devam eder .......

marifet degilsede yasamak...

Hayat hos surprizlerle doludur kimi zaman. Kimi zamanda kabuslar gunduz cikar insanin hayal dunyasindan gozlerinin onune . Ne zordur bilirmisin? Yada sence zor olan nedir? Belirsizlik mi? Yalnizlik mi? Beklemek mi? Yoksa umut etmek mi?
Zordur hepsi yeri geldiginde..

Ama umut ediyorsan bir belirsizligin tam da icinde, yalniz basina bekliyorsan iste o zaman zordur hayat.

...ve umut ettigin, belirsizligi olusturan, beklenilen kisiyse seni yalniz birakan daha da zorlasir.

...ve sen beklediginin gelmeyecegine, umut ettiginin olmayacagina, belirsizligin cozulmeyecegine, yapayalniz kalacagina inanirsan en zor haline gelir hayat..

Zordur vesselam
yasamasi da olmesi de
ama hala yalnizsan ,
umuyorsan,
belirsizlikteysen,
umut ediyorsan,
yasamaya mecbursundur, olemezsin
velhasili
marifet degilsede yasamak yinede guzeldir

Hundered things that i want to do before i die.

Something i believe that i should do before i quit breathing. I think everybody does such a list or a bunch of dreamings or plans. But most of them dont make a list such as i do. now here is the list. Actually i havent got 100 things at the moment but i will continue adding whenever something comes to my mind. Numbers are not sequential or ordered in the importance for me.

Now i have only 30 of them but i ll continue :))))

Let me start then:)



1-I should drive a Ferrari

2-I should eat mussel (midye) and kokorec (already ate)

3-I should go to Sumela Manastir in Trabzon.

4-I should go for a long sea trip.

5-I should play poker in Las Vegas

6-I want to take a cooking course in France

7-I have to watch a Fifa World Cup final game.

8-I should be at the city which olympic games occurs.

9-I should go to see New Zelland

10- I want to learn how to speak Russian


11-I want to direct a short movie.(i tried but couldnt finished)

12-I will definitely buy a VolksWagen 1303 Beetle

13-I want to take my son/daughter/nephews/nices to their first BJK match.

14-I want to watch a game at NeuCamp Stadium

15-I want to watch a English Premier League Match

16-I want to watch Godfather movie series without a break

17-I want to go to middle asia and drink Kimiz in an authentic tent.

18-I should go to Nepal.

19-I want to fire fireworks.

20-I want to drive a long vehicle.

21-I want to see a whale in the sea.

22-I want to make a mix to a song profesionally.

23-I should have an animal at my home.

24-I want to grow vegetables in my garden.

25-I want to have kids.

26-I want to have a Harley Davidson

27-I want to fish at the ocean.

28-I want to have a pair of red nickers.

29-I want to sleep 24 hours at least once.

30-I want to get married before i am 30.

la vita rinasce...

Ieri ho sentito una canzone che ha testi così.. "La vita rinasce sulle tue cicatrici". Se mi ricordo bene la canzone è Mala sirena di Modena City Ramblers. Mi ho piacuto la melodia però i testi sono più belli. Tutti, noi avevamo i cicatrici della vita. Talvolta loro vengono d'amore talvolta da pentirsi di una cosa che non si ha vissuto mai.

Chi dice non ho niente di rammarico della vita, lui assolutamente è un bugiardo. Perche tutti hanno l'emozioni ed è stata inamorati almeno una volta delle vite loro. Comunque non voglio dire che tutte le storie d'amore finiscono male però in realta il più finiscono con il delusione. Un uomo diceva che "l'amore consista un'po di sorriso ed un'po di felicita ma tutto resta sono tristezza e delusione." Penso che lui ha raggione.

Allora ma c'è una cosa che non avremo dimenticato che, la vita rinasce sulle tue cicatrici. Perchè la vita non ferma con la nostre delusione. La vita non sta fermanda per ogni cosa. Quindi dobbiamo imparare di alzare in seguito a tutte che abbiamo perso.

La vita rinasce sulle nostre cicatrici.

no mans land

Is there somewhere really no man's land? If there is a place like that i would love to be there. i know there wont be family, friends or the most important people in your life with you. But didn't we born alone and wont we die in a perfect loneliness?

I am not sure if we can stay alone just between those two end. People needs air to respirate and food to feed themselves and also water to drink basicly. But people needs to be socialized. People need to talk , need to express themselves as well.

And after all i am a person in this society. Therefore i need people around me. and love decides who will be with you in the life. Consider everyone is a driver in the world and has their own buses. You can go in different ways, you can stop anywhere you want, and you can bring anyone in your bus. Sometimes u drive with long line of buses sometimes u cant see any other vehicle around you. sometimes you drive on a highway but sometimes you drive on a larger footpath. like the life we live, sometimes everything is easy and the other times it is hard to survive. sometimes you have lots of people around you and sometimes you feel dark deepness of loneliness.

If i am a bus driver on my own way to end, i prefer to have lots of passengers who is going same destination with me and who is supporting me in this way. But sometimes someone doesnt like to be with you in this trip and you can do nothing to get them into your bus.

Sometime words doesn't have enough power to make people believe. Acts are more important then what u said after. Regret is not the medicine that cure your mistakes and the worst feeling is usually that u can't do anything but only regret.

And it is not easy to pass through like it is said in Latin proverb. "octa est fabula" which means the game has been played and over.

Everybody has a one way ticket. but some has double seat full with the most important person he thinks in the world. some has the seat has already been emptied and filled with regret.