mind fusion

i feel alone
i like this feeling sometimes.
but when i dont know where you are
what you are doing,
when an idea of you having fun
somewhere with someone
i feel like i m useless.
that is not i dont want you
to be happy
but i cant help
the pain of being so far
i love to love you
but i hate to be refused
like i did nothing confused
never had something wrong to you
but never had your hands
strickly holding mine through

i m missing you
and i have a fiery telling me
that you miss me too
i hope i wasnt me
and i hope i havent known you
but i know you
and it is me
and i love you
but you dont ..

writing what i had in my mind
nothing done to make it art
just a very silly mind emptying
i m so creepy i know
ok i stopped blog

RIP survivor.

Sometimes i think i m not really under any emotional pressure or impression. It seems that i have a so hard heart but it is not about that. i dont know why i cant get deep and strict releations with the people or objects like the others do. But i realised that i am like a piece of rock sometimes when i face some sad conditions. I am not saying for all sad conditions but i m very calm and reactionless over the unexpected conditions. Our bird survivor (a.k.a. the gush/nameless) has died today in my hands. he was shaking and couldnt get to use his legs. he only could a weak try to fly which he wasnt so good at but that was all. didnt wanna eat or drink some water. meanwhile he was very good in the morning and i dont know what happened but he was like he was paralised.

Anyways we were together for last 3 years and nearly i was always feeding him but that was all i never tried to get an emotion to him and i never did one of those jibirish talks to him. now he is dead and laying on the floor of his cage death i have no intense or lightly feeling about him. rest in peace survivor, this time you couldnt survive but u deserved this name afterall.

i hope i wont have this feeling over people too someday. I felt bad about feeling nothing after a lost and i bet this would be a heavier feeling if that wasnt a bird.

rest in peace survivor.